| It seems to be a recurring theme in my life this year to lose someone very close to me. I don't like it. Nate was a wonderful person who I thought I cared about a lot. Turns out that my expectations for him were too great, and he fell short. Did you know that I called him for his birthday and we had a nice conversation? Ten days later, he didn't contact me in any way to wish me a good one. I haven't talked to him since. Mike Howard may have royally screwed me over, but I really liked the kid, and to some extent, still like him. He IMed me last night, with a poem I assume he wrote, or a verse. It was something about fools falling in love, and that they fall head over heels, and tie their shoes to fall so that they can feel. That's how I felt with him. And he recognizes it. We never talk anymore about anything, and for him to IM me that out of nowhere, shows that he has some human left in him. I think he walks all over people because everyone allows him to. I wish he were still in my life. I cut Jay and Katy out for lack of drama, and for the most part, it works. I certainly haven't had any ridiculous drama in my life since. I think Jay blocked me on facebook because I am talking to Jonathan now. I'm not sure. Regardless, those two people were two people that I thought I would have in my life for the rest of my life. Upon realization of who they really were, and how malicious they were 9 out of 10 times, I couldn't allow myself to go on pretending that everything was fine when it wasn't. When you realize the ugliness inside of some people, it's not right to go on pretending you never saw it. That it doesn't exist. But that doesn't mean that every once in a while, I don't miss the good things about them. Jay going "bliggity blat" or saying something in some high pitched squeal. Katy laughing and slapping her knee. Eric is fading rather quickly, but maybe I just held him in far higher regard than he held me. I think that is a recurring problem in my life as well, I think of people as gods, and then when they are anything less, I end up disappointed. I thought he and I were soul mates, and that if we didn't end up dating, we'd be in one another's lives forever. It is a recent realization that this isn't true. I don't know Eric anymore. I wrote him a note on myspace, out of frustration, because he continually keeps coming to Philly to hang out with Jay and Katy, and doesn't call me to see me. The reason we don't ever see each other is due to time and place differences. But when those two things match up, it only makes sense that we should at least catch up over coffee. So if I went to NY, I'd make a point to let him know and see if he can be around. I expect the same when he's here. But I guess that's asking too much. So again, I end up disappointed in finding out that someone isn't who I thought they were. I have hardly no one left. Everyone that I admire or love or open up to and trust, they seem to not last. I'm sure in some ways, it's me. It's my own sense of naivety, and my own faith in circumstances outside my control, and perhaps my attempts in controlling those things that I cannot. But regardless, the situation seems to be continually happening within this year, and it makes me feel sad and alone. I don't know what to do to fix it. Besides maybe give up hope, but that's not the answer I want, nor do I feel it appropriate. I'm holding this faith in Jonathan, but am certainly afraid of something twisting and turning so that he falls out of my life as well. Maybe that's why I'm clinging so tightly to this idea of him, and why I can't seem to push him away. Because he's the rock I need right now that I can't find in anyone else I've invested faith in. He's one of the few remaining examples of good people in the world who try. I won't invest too much faith, for my own sake, but it's a nice thought. |
